Blue Lipped Crawling Uncles
Labrum hyacintho avunculus
These robust, smiling Uncles make wonderful companions for children and the elderly. The striking, azure U-shaped markings around the mouth give the impression of a constant grin.
Their tough overlapping scales mean these Uncles can crawl freely around a family home without risk of injury. The Blue Lip, like most species of Uncle, is almost entirely limbless.
Handling
When first held, these Uncles may expel some liquid from their anus. Often assumed to be loose faeces, it is in fact water the Uncle absorbs from the air, in order to stay moist. They relish human contact, and respond well to a tickle or scratch.
Breeding
Uncles lay hard, sticky, ball-bearing-like eggs, which will adhere to almost any surface, including wallpaper, laptop screens and Monopoly boards.
Fun Facts
Throughout history, Uncles have been associated with myth and legend. The ancient Egyptian Uncle Goddess Heket was linked to fertility and harvests. The medieval Catholic church slaughtered thousands of Uncles, believing they brought bad luck, black magic and plague.
Home Counties Clawed Husbands
Unguibus appetit virum Kent
The hardest of all exotic pets to keep, and tolerate in the house, is the Home Counties Clawed Husband.
Identifying and sexing husbands
These bad-tempered creatures are shaped like loose cowpats, and are native to the tropical, mulchy, jungle suburbs of Surrey, Kent and Bedfordshire. Named for their frighteningly sharp claws, these husbands have an ornamental penis, of which they are extremely proud.
Housing your husband
Lazy and gluttonous, they excrete far more heavily than most husbands. Their tank, known as a misogynarium, must be cleaned every 3 – 4 minutes, or it will become uninhabitable. Fiercely unhygienic, committed cannibals, they must always live alone.
Handling your husband
Never touch these husbands – they are coated in an acrid, homophobic slime, toxic to human skin.
Breeding your husband
Their deeply anti-social nature means these husbands have evolved to reproduce without mates – the last known Female Clawed Husband died mysteriously in the late 19th century. Each self-fertilised spawning yields around 2,102 husbandlings. All indistinguishable from their abundant faeces.
Giant Thin Tongued Housewives
Ingens macerlingua gamete
These beautiful wives are a joy to keep and breed. Their skin is electric green, and some subspecies feature striking orange-red spots along the spine, snout and eyes. Busy by day, these active wives can grow up to 25cm (10 inches) in length.
Incredibly agile, each ‘toe’ (except the ring-finger) is coated in fine gluey threads, allowing the wives to grip onto the shiniest of surfaces. Many Giant Thin Tongues can run across, or even live on the ceiling of a room.
Building your wivarium
Keep these fiercely territorial wives singularly – they will fight if in a harem. Your wivarium should be richly planted. Hoya, oleander and passionflower (all available from garden-centres) make the most attractive display for these brightly-coloured wives.
Replicate a tropical temperature of 25-32C (77-88F). These wives enjoy humidity of up to 80% - so need to be sprayed with mist daily, unless you invest in a water-feature.
Feeding
Thin-tongued wives are insectivores – both flying and crawling foods will be taken with gusto. They also love fruit. A halved grape, suspended high in the wivarium will attract these sweet-toothed wives for a prolonged licking session, providing essential vitamins.
Handling
Do not handle these wives. Physical contact will tear their delicate skin, and they are for too mobile to sit on you for any length of time.
Purple Qwerty Daughters
Alphabetum purpura et filiae
Qwerties are self-sufficient, resourceful daughters, who deeply resent captivity. Prized for the magnificent row of ‘typewriter key-like’ raised bones, stretching over their supple spines, their vivid purple jowls and exclamation-marked scales make these feisty daughters alphabetically seductive.
Caging your daughter
These fiercely intelligent daughters will always be plotting their next escape – so watch out! Ensure the glass of the cage (or filarium) is at least 1 inch thick. Add external bars or mesh when the daughters reach adulthood.
Nourishing your daughter
Naturally carnivorous, in the wild these daughters feed greedily on minor rodents, locusts and mechanically-reclaimed ham. However meat will encourage their stubborn, rebellious temperament, so captive daughters should be weaned onto fresh dandelion leaves and canned peaches during pubescence.
Tips
Mischievous and contrary, these daughters will often deliberately bathe and defecate in their drinking water in an act of protest. To discourage this behaviour simply withhold fresh water until their normally brightly coloured jowls begin to darken and wither.